Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Making Room

So, we have this room.  It's called the "Baby Room" because frankly there's no better name for it, although it has had several names...

When we moved to our house, we were pregnant with Sam, our second child.  The baby room was always envisioned as a nursery, and that is what it became: "The Nursery."  It quickly filled up with all the baby things, (even though he was our second child and we were "wiser" and knew not to get the pee pee tee pee).  Then, Sam was born and it quickly became "Sam's Room," complete with his name on the wall.

When Sam was 10 months old, I got pregnant with Hannah.  We didn't know what we were going to do with Sam...he was nowhere near ready to for a big boy bed, and probably not ready to sleep in big brother's room.  (Ok, let's face it, he had only recently started sleeping in his crib.)  So the baby room was on hold until we figured it all out.  It was called "The Baby's room" because we didn't have a name for her.


Then, almost four years ago, we lost Hannah and the room became "Sam's room" again.  Those four years brought us two more losses, and two more hopes for the "The Baby's room."  Each time, we would set it up to get ready for baby, only to clear it all back out again.  At some point in all that turmoil, Sam grew up and was ready for a big boy bed.  So, Sam is now sleeping in a bunk bed in Noah's room.  It was not an easy transition, but we thought at the time it was necessary, and I'm happy to say that they are now both very happy with the situation (except for when they're cleaning their room!)

So what has become of the Baby Room??  Nothing.  I tried to think of a creative way to use the space, but I could never get it together.  Maybe because the room is too small to be a gym.  Or maybe because it's too far out of the way to be a toy room, or a game room, or an art room.  But maybe because I am too hopeful that one day a baby will sleep in that room again.  For awhile, we called it the Extra Room, but I felt like I was kidding myself.

When we got the news in December that our baby girl might be coming home to us, I rushed frantically to get the Baby Room ready.  We bought second-hand furniture, and a ton of used baby gear was donated generously to us.  The shelves got filled with (very organized) pink clothes.  Even the rocker was set up in hopes that it would be used soon.



We waited for news every day to find out when she would come home.  Months passed, but news never came.

It's a very hard thing to hold your breath for such a long time.  Time dragged on, and at some point in February, when it became clear that the state of Rhode Island was going to stand in our way, we decided not to wait any longer.  You may judge us for backing away from a child without a home, but trust me when I say I did everything in my power to hold onto hope.  But while we were holding out hope for one particular child, we weren't able to open our hearts and minds to anyone else.  We just needed to be able to move on, with our hearts open to the child God would give us.  We literally needed ROOM in our hearts.

So now we're back to waiting for an unknown child, which feels very much like waiting for a known child except you don't have a name or a sense of urgency.  It has been almost seven months since we began this process, so it feels very much like a paper pregnancy.  Our agency has been great about getting us prepared for every possible disappointment, and prepared for a long wait.  They suggested that at this point we should set up an online profile on their website.  You can find it at:


We are encouraging our friends to share the above link to our profile on social media, in the hopes that an expecting mom or dad that is interested in placing their child for adoption might see it and get the counseling they need to make such a monumental decision.  Our agency, Bethany Christian Services, is nation-wide. Clicking "Inquire About This Family" on the profile page will direct them to a pregnancy counselor in their area.  (Please cut and paste, and share JUST THE LINK and not this whole blog post.  We have to be careful who we share our last name with.)

In the meantime, we fill our days and count our blessings.  Some days are exciting and fun (like camping trips, snowmobiling and basketball tournaments).  Some are not so fun, and downright mundane.  On those quieter days I catch myself wondering if this is all worth it.  Second-guessing God's plans for our family.  But then I stop and think about my girls in Heaven, and I think about the little girl who almost came home to us, and I remember that it's not our plans.  Not our timing.  And one day, I have faith, we will be looking at our baby in our arms and we'll just know.

It was worth it.