So, are you getting a girl???

I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with this question.


Ok, you know I love you, right?  But let's be real.  You don't "get" a baby when you're adopting.  If it were just that easy, I could whip out my checkbook and go to the barn and get one (like Noah suggested in my last post).

So let's put terminology aside and look at what you're really asking: can you choose gender when you're adopting an infant domestically?  The simple answer is yes, and it is called

GENDER PREFERENCE.

Much like you can choose the age of the child you're adopting, and the country you're adopting from, you can also choose the race and gender of the baby you want to welcome into your lives.  It makes sense.  But does it make you uncomfortable?  Do you know why?  I've been grappling with this from the get-go.

If we're being honest, as soon as I knew adoption was an option for us, I assumed I'd be adopting a girl.  I mean, having lost three baby girls in three years, my heart was really set (and re-set) on having a girl.  Each pregnancy, my friends would load me up with pink and purple, all of us secretly hoping this time I'd get to use it.  I've dreamed of brushing hair before school, and picking out matching outfits.  Teaching her to apply makeup, and crying with her on her wedding day.  I don't think anyone would fault me for wanting a girl. I think a majority of my friends assume that if we can, we are stating a female gender preference.  But, here's the shocker:

We're not.

While I would love to have a baby girl to call our princess, and FINALLY use all that pink and purple stuff in the basement, after long hours researching online and chatting in forums and praying about this issue, I decided I just didn't feel comfortable enough to do it.  What I didn't realize were the moral and practical complexities within this issue.  

I don't want to buy a baby.

To start with, did you know that baby girls are a hot commodity in the adoption world?  Because of this, many agencies charge a premium to "find" girl babies of $5,000 or more.  Now I don't know about you, but that just sounds like buying a baby to me.  Hitler-esque.  In his article, "Why Do Adoptive Parents Prefer Girls" John Gravois points out this distinct statistical anomaly inherent in adoption.

"Numbers vary, but it's pretty safe to say that somewhere between 70 percent and 90 percent of parents looking to adopt register some preference for a girl with an agency. It doesn't matter if they're adopting from China, where girls far outnumber boys; from Russia, where the numbers are about even; or from Cambodia, where there is typically a glut of orphan boys and a paucity of girls. Everywhere, demand tends to favor the feminine."  

Gravois and others have theorized that the reasoning for this could be because in most couples seeking to adopt, the driving force is female.  Most women looking to adopt are experiencing infertility struggles, and many have never had children.  Therefore, they seek to replicate themselves in some bizarre psychologically complex way.  I can understand wanting to parent a child that is a "known" versus one that is "unknown", but speaking from experience, I just don't think we ever know our children all that well!  I certainly don't think my husband anticipates my sons' antics any more than I do, just because he's male.

(I may roll my eyes more though.)

Another theory behind Gravois' statistics is that women think boys are just harder to parent.  This makes sense if you are new to the parenting scene and many of your friends have young children.  Probably you've been to the playground with them watching little Johnny shove a stick up his nose, while Lucy sits politely on a bench playing "tea" with a make-believe bunny.  I get it, and that may have been me to some extent or another at one point.  So, one might assume that I would agree with this theory.

Sure, I've had some difficulty with my boys' unruly behavior at times.  For example, here's what happened when I tried to take our awesome "we're adopting" announcement photo:

Yes, that is a superman cape.

Not to be outdone, Noah decided to contribute this lovely photo:

The red dye on his tongue may have contributed to the difficulty I was having.

People, I've rescued toothbrushes from toilets, had the "nice hands/use your words" talk more times than I can even imagine, and refereed arm-farting contests.  (Ok, and currently there are "curing" squirrel tails on top of my fridge because Noah has decided he likes taxidermy.)

I know from boys.

But in reality, what I've learned is that boys and girls (if you want to gender-categorize behavior) tend to trade off "difficult" behaviors throughout adolescence.  So if I'd had a girl hoping for a simple childhood, I might be sorely disappointed when 13 came around!!

And I also would have missed out on this.

Simple math.

Then, there's the reality of what gender selection would mean.

At least 50% of the expectant mothers that come to our agency seeking to place their unborn babies do not know gender.  Either it's too early, or they've elected not to know during ultrasounds because it's too difficult.  Or, they simply haven't had adequate prenatal care.  Either way, half of the possible "matches" out there are listed as "gender unknown".

(Huge point of clarification:

 If we state "girl" we will not be shown to "gender unknown" situations 

because they want to know we're a match from the get-go 

and they don't want us changing our minds a month or two later!)

Out of the other half (the "known gender" situations), you can assume 50% of them are male.  Which leaves us with only a 25% possibility of having a girl baby.  Narrow that down further by expectant mother preferences (for couples without any children, for African American couples, or same-sex couples) and we could be waiting a long LONG time for a baby.

So, are you getting a girl?

The answer is: Maybe!

Under gender preference, we've selected "Girl" or "Unknown". I certainly would love a little princess to add to our brood. There's a good likelihood we'll know before the baby is born.  But if I'm standing in the hospital room and our expectant mom gives birth to a baby boy, then he will be our son.

And I'll know exactly what to do with him!