Those of you that know our whole story may not want to read this whole thing. But for those that are curious, well, I want to be as open as possible about our journey.
What got us here was not circumstance. But, I'm not here to say that it was all "part of God's plan" for us either.
What??? Isn't this all part of God's plan???
No. I don't believe that to be true, and I'll explain why...
When Mike and I were in the early stages of
our married life, talking about how many kids we'd like to have and when and
how, we both agreed that we would like to adopt a child "eventually."
Mike was adopted as an infant, and had a wonderful childhood. So, we decided
that we would "give back" if we ever had the opportunity. I grew up with a younger brother so I thought
two children would be perfect. Mike,
having grown up an only child and missing having siblings, thought three
children would be perfect!
Insert laughter cue....
Four years after we got married, we chose to start our family. God blessed us with a quick conception, a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby boy named Noah. He was a difficult baby; always needing to eat and never napping. As newbie parents, we learned by trial and error (ok, mostly error)! He became an introspective toddler with a strong-willed personality, and we learned the art of consistent discipline. Finally, when Noah turned four and we felt we had a handle on things, it was time to give Noah a sibling.
(Breaking here to acknowledge a certain hemming and hawing that happened on Mike's end...he's since apologized profusely for this. Moving on!)
We decided to move out of our condo in the city and expand our family in the
suburbs. God provided again, with an easy conception and healthy pregnancy. Our
new home and our new healthy baby, Sam, had us overjoyed with God's provision
in our lives. Just before I conceived Sam, I had decided to be baptized. Throughout my pregnancy, witnessing God's blessings, I felt God's tug to follow his word more
carefully, and part of that meant being a more attentive parent, and spending
more time with the boys.
Through God's providence, I was a
stay-at-home mom when Noah started Kindergarten, and Sam was an infant. Unlike Noah, Sam was incredibly easy-going
early on and was such a joy to be around.
(Note: both boys have completely grown into themselves and Sam is no
longer the easy-going one! They are both
strong-willed, amazingly perceptive, and highly energetic and fun!)
(Not all pictures of the boys are perfect. This one is.)
Once Sam got a little older and we needed the income, I changed careers within the law, but started back working part time. I was loving being home with the boys and really living out the calling of the Proverbs 31 woman. Fully appreciating what a blessing our boys were to us, we were excited to try for a third child right away.
Now comes the hard part.
Again, we conceived easily, and expected everything to go like clockwork this time also. Unfortunately, at a routine visit around 19 weeks, they were unable to find a heartbeat. Our baby girl (Hannah Marie) was delivered dead in April of 2013. Testing showed that she had Turner's syndrome, a random chromosomal abnormality. I was devastated. God had provided so many blessings in my life, and so easily, that I wasn’t prepared to go through something like this. After the shock of our miscarriage, we decided to go to counseling and got help to grieve Hannah's death together. We are still in counseling and it has really been helpful in identifying ways in which our communication is lacking, and tools to help us come together in our grief and grow as a couple.
Once we felt healed, we decided to
try again. The conception was easy. The pregnancy was healthy. The baby was
healthy. Unfortunately, again at a routine visit, at 19 weeks, our second
little girl (Soraya Shirley) had no heartbeat. She was delivered in March of
2015. This time, after autopsy, it was found that part of her umbilical cord
had a defect which caused her death in utero.
Again, we were told that this was a freak accident, and that there was
no likelihood of it happening again. We
decided to try again right away, this time with a plethora of tests and doctors
and prenatal care at our disposal.
I was scared, but kept my faith. We prayed together for that baby like we never had before, and even our boys were so hopeful at the prospect of (finally) having a baby sister.
I was filled with hope, because I knew that God would provide the desires of our heart. Instead of living in fear of what might happen, I chose to focus on the joy of every single day that I held her. Everything was fine, and she was remarkably healthy, until a routine visit at 16 weeks showed no heartbeat. Our third little girl (Abigail Joy) was delivered in February of 2016. Autopsy results showed the same birth defect in the umbilical cord.
Obviously, at this point there was a lot of WHY???
After follow-up surgeries and tests, no doctor can tell us why this keeps happening.
And this time, no one is willing to tell us we should try again.
"Secondary infertility" is what this is called, except I'm not exactly infertile. This happens to a lot of women so I know I'm not alone. But really, why? As a Christian, I have had to stop and think this one through quite a few times now. And I want toslap sternly talk to the people that have told me "This is all part of God's plan." No. I don't believe it was God's plan to create a life and then take it away three times.
What I do believe is that we live in a fallen world, where sin takes the form of evils such as disease, cancer, physical and mental disability, and birth defects. Some are more fatal than others, but I do NOT believe it is God's doing. He meant for us to be perfect. We messed it up.
I’m definitely frustrated by it all, especially with the lack of closure that would come from a definitive diagnosis. I spent some time allowing myself to be angry at God and really prayed hard about His purpose in my life. I can’t say He has answered me but I know He is still there. I know because I have friends that support me in amazing ways. People that barely even know me but have reached out to me to share their love. A community that has loved on us in innumerable ways over the past few years...from sending us flowers and cards to getting us museum memberships...from cooking us dinner to holding candlelight vigils in our backyard. That is the kind of love that comes from God. And so I know He still loves me, and He is always right there with me.
I can’t say that I am completely healed and don’t still get sad about it. It still hurts sometimes. But at some point I realized that it’s ok and normal to grieve what we lost, while still looking around and being thankful for what we have, and looking forward to what new and amazing things God has in store for us.
I was scared, but kept my faith. We prayed together for that baby like we never had before, and even our boys were so hopeful at the prospect of (finally) having a baby sister.
I was filled with hope, because I knew that God would provide the desires of our heart. Instead of living in fear of what might happen, I chose to focus on the joy of every single day that I held her. Everything was fine, and she was remarkably healthy, until a routine visit at 16 weeks showed no heartbeat. Our third little girl (Abigail Joy) was delivered in February of 2016. Autopsy results showed the same birth defect in the umbilical cord.
Obviously, at this point there was a lot of WHY???
After follow-up surgeries and tests, no doctor can tell us why this keeps happening.
And this time, no one is willing to tell us we should try again.
"Secondary infertility" is what this is called, except I'm not exactly infertile. This happens to a lot of women so I know I'm not alone. But really, why? As a Christian, I have had to stop and think this one through quite a few times now. And I want to
What I do believe is that we live in a fallen world, where sin takes the form of evils such as disease, cancer, physical and mental disability, and birth defects. Some are more fatal than others, but I do NOT believe it is God's doing. He meant for us to be perfect. We messed it up.
I’m definitely frustrated by it all, especially with the lack of closure that would come from a definitive diagnosis. I spent some time allowing myself to be angry at God and really prayed hard about His purpose in my life. I can’t say He has answered me but I know He is still there. I know because I have friends that support me in amazing ways. People that barely even know me but have reached out to me to share their love. A community that has loved on us in innumerable ways over the past few years...from sending us flowers and cards to getting us museum memberships...from cooking us dinner to holding candlelight vigils in our backyard. That is the kind of love that comes from God. And so I know He still loves me, and He is always right there with me.
I can’t say that I am completely healed and don’t still get sad about it. It still hurts sometimes. But at some point I realized that it’s ok and normal to grieve what we lost, while still looking around and being thankful for what we have, and looking forward to what new and amazing things God has in store for us.
So why adopt?
Honestly?
At the end of the day, we still feel like our family is incomplete.
Our
minivan is too big.
Our table has an
extra seat.
The boys are getting bigger,
and
I still have a longing to care for a little one again.
