A few weeks ago, we got approval from the licensing agency to go ahead without our fingerprints, so we are technically "homestudy approved." This was great news because it meant we can accept a baby into our home at any time! Then, we got our actual fingerprints in last week. Good news- we're not criminals!! We are now considered Paper Pregnant- which is a cute way of saying we're officially in waiting mode.
The problem with the home study process going as fast as humanly possible (with the exception of the darn fingerprints), is that the waiting after seems comparatively slooooooow. And incredibly quiet. EVERYTHING is now out of our control.
There's a lot of excitement when you tell people you're Paper Pregnant, and it's welcome excitement. We've been very vocal about the process, and we've loved all the questions and prayers and well-wishes. But for some reason I haven't been entirely into it.
Maybe it's because being Paper Pregnant is not a whole lot like being Pregnant Pregnant.
For the last few years, I've been pregnant all winter. It just happens that way. I get healthy over the summer, I get pregnant in the fall, and then I'm pregnant through the holidays and into the new year. And then, just when I start to feel those tell-tale flutter kicks, just when I start to believe THIS TIME it's going to work out, it's over. I've taken great precautions to make sure we don't accidentally get pregnant, but there's still something about this time of year that makes the muscle memory of my body wake up and ask- "are we doing this again?"
So I'd be lying if I didn't admit there was a longing...a visceral, maternal yearning to carry life inside me. Or at least in my arms. As the days get shorter and the temperature drops, all I want to do is sit on the couch in front of the fireplace, and maybe dream a little of having a baby by Christmas. A little Christmas miracle to make the heartache worth it.
Because I deserve it, right?
Then last week, we got news that that miracle might happen. We had hope again. To me, hope feels like a tingling excitement that almost overwhelms me, and makes me cry in joy and in sadness. But we couldn't fully enjoy it. Because of the situation, we had to guard our hearts and anticipate the worst. I can't share what happened, but it is a time sensitive situation, and as the days tick by it looks like our Christmas miracle is not going to happen.
So now we're back to waiting.
There's something about the holidays approaching that makes us all stop and take stock of the year. To look back on the months, and tick them off one by one...labeling them with the emotions they carried:
January- excitement; hope
February- devastation
March- frustration; depression
April- anger
May & June- healing; restoration; peace
July & August- discernment
September & October- excitement
November- excitement; frustration
December... Meh
(You know how "meh" feels... It's partway between yeah and nah. Not uncaring, but also not excited.)
Maybe because I've been waiting for so long, waiting seems like a normal state of being. Another year has elapsed and here we are, still waiting to complete our family. Like the end of the year is some unfulfilled deadline.
And my Facebook news feed seems filled with pregnancy announcements, new baby pictures, happy endings and messages of promises fulfilled. #miracleshappen
So when is it going to be my turn?
If we're honest with ourselves, we're all waiting for something. To be loved by someone special. A home. Understanding. A job. Physical and emotional healing. There's always something.
Advent is the period of time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is meant to be a time of reflection, anticipation and waiting. But it's not meant to be that same anxious waiting. It's joyful anticipation. And so at this time of year, we feel the waiting even more acutely, in contrast to the coming Joy.
There's an irony to all this emotion caused by Christmas and I don't think that's an accident.
At Christmas, we celebrate the gift of hope found in a baby- the baby Jesus. Every time I think about this story, I am bowled over. Every. Time. Knowing God came to earth to be with His people, to live alongside us in our joys and in our pain, to experience His world through our eyes... and he did all this so we could know Him and trust Him and feel His love, even when things don't work out the way we had planned.
So that even with all the waiting, the disappointment, the trying and failing, I still can still have room for hope.
"I trust in, relied on, and was confident in You, O Lord; I said, You are my God. My times are in Your hands..." Psalm 31:14-15.
May you find peace in your waiting.
And may your Christmas be joyful.
