Our Announcement: A Thank You

I am sitting here completely humbled and amazed by your incredible support.  Really, I can't think about it too much or I'll start crying!

On the evening of September 15th (just 6 days ago!!) I posted our announcement on Facebook, and this blog went live.  I NEVER would have guessed that I'd be sitting here looking at over

1,130 PAGE VIEWS

 in just 6 days!  From the US, Mexico, Germany, Poland, France, Bermuda and the Dominican Republic...Blogger told me so!

You people in Bermuda 

I love you 

even while you read this from your iphone on the beach.

The thing is, when we first started this process, we made the tough decision to make it public.  I knew it would be hard, because let's face it, adoptions fail sometimes.  It's hard to be vulnerable about your personal life, and then get disappointed and have EVERYONE feel sorry for you and offer condolences.  

I've been there. 

When we got pregnant, we decided to announce our pregnancies once we were in the second trimester, knowing full well that we could lose the baby any day.  We did this intentionally, because we knew that if something happened, we would need the support of our family and friends.  And I never regretted that because when we lost them, you all showed up and poured your love onto us.

It's love that is welcomed, but still, sometimes, not easy to receive.

Making the decision to go public was also one that was made strategically.  Because we have kids, and they've been disappointed by our losses, we knew we needed to keep it a secret until they had to find out. Part of the home study process includes an interview with them.  (Which should be hilarious.)  

So a couple weeks ago, before we announced to the world that we were adopting, we sat down with the boys separately to gauge what they knew about adoption and how they felt about it.  Here are the highlights:

From Noah (9):

(This is what happens when Dad
takes the kids grocery shopping.)

Us: What is adoption, do you know?

Noah: Well, it's when you go into this like barn-like place where there's a whole bunch of cribs and stuff and lots of babies without parents and you just pick one.

Us: How would you feel if our new baby looked different than you and Sam?

Noah: It might make me feel weird, but then again Sam doesn't look like me either!

Us: We may not have any control over this, but would you want a brother or a sister?

Noah:  A sister.  Because girls sit and color and stuff and boys are annoying.  Is this baby going to grow up to be annoying like Sam?

Mike: Probably.

Me: Definitely.

From Sam (4):

Sam, the donut man.

(We found some great children's books on adoption at our library, and used them to broach the subject with Sam.)

Sam: What's adopted?

Me: Adoption is when a baby's mommy grows the baby in her tummy, but even though she wants to, she can't raise that baby.  (Trying to make this simple.)

Sam: Oh.

Me: And so we let that baby live with us and we get to love them and take care of them.

Sam: Forever?

Me: Yup.  And they'll be part of our family just like when you were born.  You know what that means?

Sam: What.

Me: It means you're going to be a big brother!

(Pause)

Sam: So I don't have to use a booster seat anymore?!

Clearly, we have some work to do with both of them!

Adoption is such a learning process, for all of us.  When I say I am completely humbled, I mean it.  I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined the sheer numbers of readers that would be interested in our journey.  And the number of people that have reached out to us in the past week to offer support (either verbal, emotional, instructional, financial or otherwise) I can't even count.  

I believe when we are open to new experiences, even to the point of being vulnerable, God shows up in amazingly powerful ways.  You all are a testament to that.

With humble gratitude,

Davina

A Welcome

Here I go... blogging for the first time... was there ever any doubt it would come to this?!

Well, WELCOME!  

I'm so glad you're here! 

I started this blog as a way to share what our family is going through in our adoption journey.  Since so many of you know our story, I'm just going to jump right into the nitty gritty.  I'll share the "WHY we're adopting" post later. (OK, here.)

Now that we are "going public," we can finally share what we are going through as it has been such a whirlwind of emotion in the past month or so. Many have asked "Where are you in the process?" "What is next for you?" and "What can I do to help?" At the risk of going overboard with the information, here is the best way I can answer these questions!! Please, PLEASE do not hesitate to keep asking, and staying in the loop. We couldn't possibly do this without you!  

Where we are/What's next:

We are in the "home study" phase. This includes gathering A LOT of information (from drug tests to birth certificates), meeting with a social worker several times, and having our house inspected. Given how fast it is all going, we expect this process to be concluded by the end of October. Then, we are "home-study approved" in the state of Massachusetts, and can apply for adoption situations anywhere in the country!  Then we wait...

...hopefully not too long.

Once we are chosen by a woman expecting a baby (called the "birth mother"), we are considered "matched." This can take a few months or even over a year. Once the baby is born, and the birth mother relinquishes consent, depending on where the baby is born (what state) we can bring him/her home and that is considered "placement." We will then have several more home visits with our social worker before the adoption is "finalized" legally.

What you can do to help:

Well this is awkward. There is really no delicate way to say this... 

We need money. 

Adoption of a baby in the US can cost from $25,000-$50,000 all told. (I'll post about this later, too.  The logistics of where this money goes can be mesmerizing!  We are NOT buying a baby!) 

The plan is to use our savings account, which we had started awhile ago to pay for daycare and maternity leave costs. We can start applying for grants after our home study is approved.  They are usually need-based and we may not qualify for a lot of them, but we will try!  

And then, we will fund-raise. 

Aside from making secure donations through www.youcaring.com/owensadoption you can:

Pray for us, if you are so inclined!  This is a long and sometimes disheartening journey.  

Help us with fundraisers! We are going to start fundraising right away by having a Yard Sale on October 15th!! Please consider donating items or your time to this event.  

Here is an invitation to the yard sale on facebook. You can help by sharing it!  

Share this blog!  You never know who will benefit from reading about our journey!

If you can't help us out with the yard sale- no worries!  We will have other fundraisers (t-shirts, silent auction, photo sessions, to name a few...)  

Keep in mind that we are creative!  We can use your old stuff, your time, your skills, your miles, your sweat, your contacts, and your ideas! Definitely more on this later, but feel free to message me privately with any ideas!

THE #1 THING YOU CAN DO FOR US is to get informed about the adoption crisis, and pray for all the babies around the world that need loving families and safe homes.  Did you know, if you put all the orphans in the world into one new country, it would be the 10th largest country in the world?  Well, that just about breaks my heart.  Our prayer in all of this is that God uses our story to inspire just one more family to consider adoption.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11  

Welcome to our Journey of Hope.

With love, and gratitude for all you've done already,

Davina (and Mike) 

Finances, Fundraising, and other "F" words...

There's not much I don't feel comfortable sharing about my life.  This is true whether I'm talking about adoption, fertility or even which breast pump I used nursing my boys.  See?  I'm just kind of a shameless open book.

So when I blog about money, please know that I'm not embarrassed by it, and I don't want you to be either!!  There are a LOT of questions surrounding adoption that have to do with money.

FINANCES

I'd venture to guess that the #1 reason most people who have considered adoption decide against it is...

$$$ Adoption is Expensive $$$

So why is it so expensive?  Where is all that money going, really?!  Isn't buying a baby illegal?

Here's a concise list of what you're paying for in a Domestic Infant Adoption (which is the type of adoption we've chosen for ourselves- if you want to read more about that come here.):

1)  Home Study  

We're in this process now, and let me tell you, our social worker does not get paid enough to deal with all the millions of questions I have asked her!!!  Within the home study timeframe, a potential adoptive family must also provide and pay for:
-Background checks/fingerprinting (Because they want to make sure we're legal a safe family for this precious new baby to come live with.)
-Mandatory reading (Yes, you can find books at the library, but you can't mark them up and use them for reference in the future if they're library books!  They frown on that.)
-Birth certificates for everyone in the home/marriage license (Unless you're smart enough to keep extra certified copies of this stuff.)
-Pet innoculations (Poor Button has to get a rabies shot to be up to date.  Sam has insisted on volunteered to hold him during this exciting adventure, which we politely declined.)

Sam and Button

-Profile books (Just like my annual photo books for the family, which you all know I just LOVE making, only bigger and hardcovered and much, much more important!  Times 6.  This is the book that our birthmother will look at when she decides she wants to meet us.  No pressure.)
-Medical testing (Yup, that's right, my urine drug test came out clean- you can all breathe a collective sigh of relief!)

2) Matching  

The next phase of this process is the "matching" process.  For us the match fee is due once we're home study approved.  Like, next month.  (See: Fundraising, below!)

This is the part that can take a LOOOOONG time.  During this time, the money we've paid the agency is used for the prospective birth mother.  The adoption agency coordinates counseling for potential birth moms, and provides funds to her for living expenses or medical expenses, depending on her circumstance.  The reasoning being that, if all that is standing between a woman keeping her child and placing her child is temporary homelessness, and our agency funds can rectify that, she should be keeping her child!!!  Through counseling, social workers determine if placing her child for adoption is something that the birth parents are certain that they want to do.

Once a potential birth mother is identified, they are "in the system" so to speak.  Their social worker will bring them adoptive parent profiles to look at.  If they find one they like, birth mom and prenatal history forms are collected and given to the prospective adoptive parents to review.  If everyone wants to go further, a meeting is set up at the agency.  If all goes well at the meeting, an agreement of sorts is formed, and a "match" is made!

Then I guess everyone just sits around waiting for a baby to be born while they're fundraising.  Can you tell this is the part where I'm not sure on the details? I will learn more as I go!!!

3) Placement  

Once baby is born, the birth mother can relinquish her parental rights.  By law, a birth mother cannot relinquish until after the baby is born, and then she has a certain number of days to revoke that (depending on the state) so no Adoption Agreement can be entered into until after that time expires. Again, the agency is there with the social workers to draft the paperwork and get it all approved in Court if necessary.

It's at that point (after birth; before relinquishment) that some women change their minds.  (Some birth fathers change their minds too.)  That's ok.  It's tough, but having had children of my own, I get it.  That's why it's SO IMPORTANT to have great social workers that have counseled the heck out of the birth momma ahead of time so she knows what to expect, and is ready to make this tough decision.

The sucky part??  If the adoption fails at this point, you lose the match fee. And the baby.

(big sad face)

If everything goes as planned, we get to bring the baby home.  At this time, we pay a "placement fee," which is the largest chunk so far.  Technically (again, still not 100% sure on the legalities here) I believe the agency has legal custody at this point.

4) Finalization/Post-Placement

Because we don't have custody, the agency has to do what is called a "post-placement" study.  The social worker comes out and watches us parent the baby and makes sure everything is copacetic in the home.  Then they can tell the state that we're doing well and legal custody should be transferred to us.

There is always the possibility that the birth mom (or dad) could appeal their relinquishment.  From what I can tell, this hardly ever happens.

In the meantime, the lawyers ($$$) are dealing with papers and stuff (potentially from different states) and making sure all our ducks are in a row for our finalization hearing.  This happens about 6 months after placement.  It's a big deal.  There WILL be a party!

Now that you know where the money goes, I hope you understand that buying a baby is DEFINITELY illegal, and that's not what adoption is about!  

FUNDRAISING

All of the above can add up to almost $50,000 but we anticipate our adoption costing approximately $35,000.  Not everyone has $35,000 just lying around.  Even if you had it saved up, it would probably be earmarked for another purpose!  We've been blessed with "just enough" for so long, we have become masters of living within our means.  We are comfortable, but we budget our income.  We re-use and share with friends.  We don't spend extravagantly.  We don't even have cable!  

GASP!

But our path led us here, and so now we are looking for ways to save even more (even less eating out), earn more (taking second jobs), and raise funds in ways that are within our various areas of expertise.  Some ideas we are solidifying are...

• Yard Sale on October 15th (Go to our Yard Sale Facebook Event for more info), 
• T-shirts (they're going to be awesome and created by One-Off Apparel and The Definition of Nyce!), 
• Family photo-thon, 
• Superbowl "party,"
• Silent Auction.

For those who wish to give monetarily, feel free to contribute securely at www.youcaring.com/owensadoption.

We know that no single method of fundraising is going to get us to where we need to be, so we're prepared to be a little obnoxious proactive about it!  And we're reminded that every little bit helps.

FINALLY!

  The boys and I have been taking cans and bottles to the redemption center and emptying the results into our adoption jar in the kitchen.  It's cool to watch it grow, and remind them that every penny is getting us closer to a baby.

Our adoption jar.

One of the coolest ways that God has worked in our family to help us fund-raise so far was the other day, when Noah voluntarily decided to empty his "Nerf" savings into the adoption jar.  When I told him he didn't need to give his $21.36 he insisted, stating

"I want a baby soon, mom."  

It broke my heart that our little boy wants this as much as we do.  It was truly an example of the heart of giving, and it was inspirational to me as we start out on this journey.