Holiday Reflections- Finding Peace in the Waiting

So, I guess pretty much nothing is new.

A few weeks ago, we got approval from the licensing agency to go ahead without our fingerprints, so we are technically "homestudy approved."  This was great news because it meant we can accept a baby into our home at any time!  Then, we got our actual fingerprints in last week.  Good news- we're not criminals!!  We are now considered Paper Pregnant- which is a cute way of saying we're officially in waiting mode.

The problem with the home study process going as fast as humanly possible (with the exception of the darn fingerprints), is that the waiting after seems comparatively slooooooow.  And incredibly quiet.  EVERYTHING is now out of our control.

There's a lot of excitement when you tell people you're Paper Pregnant, and it's welcome excitement. We've been very vocal about the process, and we've loved all the questions and prayers and well-wishes.  But for some reason I haven't been entirely into it.

Maybe it's because being Paper Pregnant is not a whole lot like being Pregnant Pregnant.

For the last few years, I've been pregnant all winter.  It just happens that way.  I get healthy over the summer, I get pregnant in the fall, and then I'm pregnant through the holidays and into the new year.  And then, just when I start to feel those tell-tale flutter kicks, just when I start to believe THIS TIME it's going to work out, it's over.  I've taken great precautions to make sure we don't accidentally get pregnant, but there's still something about this time of year that makes the muscle memory of my body wake up and ask- "are we doing this again?"

So I'd be lying if I didn't admit there was a longing...a visceral, maternal yearning to carry life inside me.  Or at least in my arms.  As the days get shorter and the temperature drops, all I want to do is sit on the couch in front of the fireplace, and maybe dream a little of having a baby by Christmas.  A little Christmas miracle to make the heartache worth it.

Because I deserve it, right?

Then last week, we got news that that miracle might happen.  We had hope again.  To me, hope feels like a tingling excitement that almost overwhelms me, and makes me cry in joy and in sadness.  But we couldn't fully enjoy it. Because of the situation, we had to guard our hearts and anticipate the worst.  I can't share what happened, but it is a time sensitive situation, and as the days tick by it looks like our Christmas miracle is not going to happen.

So now we're back to waiting.

There's something about the holidays approaching that makes us all stop and take stock of the year.  To look back on the months, and tick them off one by one...labeling them with the emotions they carried:

January- excitement; hope
February- devastation
March- frustration; depression
April- anger
May & June- healing; restoration; peace
July & August- discernment
September & October- excitement
November- excitement; frustration
December... Meh
(You know how "meh" feels...  It's partway between yeah and nah.  Not uncaring, but also not excited.)

Maybe because I've been waiting for so long, waiting seems like a normal state of being.  Another year has elapsed and here we are, still waiting to complete our family.  Like the end of the year is some unfulfilled deadline.

And my Facebook news feed seems filled with pregnancy announcements, new baby pictures, happy endings and messages of promises fulfilled.  #miracleshappen

So when is it going to be my turn?

If we're honest with ourselves, we're all waiting for something.  To be loved by someone special.  A home.  Understanding.  A job.  Physical and emotional healing.  There's always something.

Advent is the period of time between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It is meant to be a time of reflection, anticipation and waiting.  But it's not meant to be that same anxious waiting.  It's joyful anticipation.  And so at this time of year, we feel the waiting even more acutely, in contrast to the coming Joy.

There's an irony to all this emotion caused by Christmas and I don't think that's an accident.

At Christmas, we celebrate the gift of hope found in a baby- the baby Jesus.  Every time I think about this story, I am bowled over.  Every. Time.  Knowing God came to earth to be with His people, to live alongside us in our joys and in our pain, to experience His world through our eyes... and he did all this so we could know Him and trust Him and feel His love, even when things don't work out the way we had planned.

So that even with all the waiting, the disappointment, the trying and failing, I still can still have room for hope.

"I trust in, relied on, and was confident in You, O Lord; I said, You are my God.  My times are in Your hands..."  Psalm 31:14-15.

May you find peace in your waiting.

And may your Christmas be joyful.

Failed Matches and Roller Coaster Rides: A Love Story?

I'm sorry I haven't published anything in awhile.

Part of that is because I wrote a piece after the yard sale about where we were in the process, and it got picked up before I could publish it myself.  It will be published by an adoption consulting company just before Thanksgiving as part of an Adoption Month awareness campaign.  (You can read all the guest blogs here.) Really, it's not a big deal, but I had to promise not to share it with you all until it was published there!

Then, it was kind of hard to do any writing, because we have been on a roller coaster ride.  Not a literal ride, but a metaphoric roller coaster that has kept our hearts outside our chests, and had us on our knees pretty much 24/7 for two weeks.

What happened?  

About a month ago (before our home study was done), our social worker told us that she was meeting with an expectant mom that would "be a great match" but since it was a "long shot" she would recommend we keep our hearts guarded.  We rushed overnight to put together an electronic mini-profile of sorts to have something to show her, knowing we would be "competing" against other couples with prepared books and their home studies completed.  But we wanted our social worker to have it if and when she saw the expectant mom.  After a week or so came and went, and we heard nothing, we pretty much wrote off the possibility.

Then we found out she had picked us.  She wanted to meet us.

We found out a little bit more about her and the baby, and for her sake I'm not going to share that here.  It is safe to say, however, that this was a perfect match.

Unfortunately, as scared expecting mothers tend to do, this one then dropped off the face of the earth.  She cancelled not one, not two, but three meetings.  Our social worker warned us that she thought there was a good likelihood we'd never hear from her again.

Then last week, out of the blue, after finalizing our real profile book, we did.  A meeting was set for last week.  We got excited, but again, our social worker talked us back from the ledge.  She said things like...

"I think there's a real likelihood she will wind up parenting."

"Please don't get your hopes up."

"I may not know her well, but I know adoptions, and I think she's going to parent."

Despite all this, as you can imagine, there is always a piece of your heart that escapes the confines of reasonableness, and dares to hope.

In preparation for our meeting, Mike and I made a tie-fleece baby blanket to give her.  It was Winnie the Pooh theme and gender neutral, because we didn't know the gender.  I stayed up late the night before the meeting and made fall-colored M&M cookies.  (Because what pregnant woman doesn't like cookies?)

Then, the day of our meeting, she cancelled.

Now, I know what some of you are saying.  "How unfair!"  "She is totally manipulating you!"  And I don't disagree with you completely.  I felt manipulated, even though that wasn't her intention.  Quite simply, it wasn't fair to our hearts after everything we've been through.  And so I got pissy.  And I ATE THE COOKIES.  I washed them down with some wine, and put my tender self to bed.

The next day I put away my bitterness, and decided to pray for her instead.  My prayer was:

 "Lord, please help her to overcome her fear, and give her the wisdom she needs to be a great mom."

Three days later she had a baby girl.

And then she asked to meet with us again.

I won't drag this out any longer than it needs to be.  The long and short is that we met, but she had already decided to parent.  She was in the Hospital with her baby for two days, and fell in love with her.  She is an amazing young woman with a huge mountain ahead of her.  She has no resources, and very little support.  But her heart is clear and she knows she loves her daughter too much to let her go.

What I didn't tell her, was that I remember the pain of leaving the Hospital without my baby girls.  Being wheeled to the door to wait for the car, without the infant carrier on my lap.  That feeling of emptiness in my womb, and in my arms.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  And my heart just broke for her.

At the end of our meeting, after we gave her the blanket, she turned to me and tearfully said "I really like you guys. I'm so sorry I decided to keep my baby."

And I got it.  I didn't know maternal love until I had my first son, and I've been keenly aware of it ever since.  So in that moment, I understood her decision completely.

So, yeah.  Roller coaster.

You know that moment when the coaster goes over the top of the hill, and you feel your stomach come up to your chest, and your heart come up to your throat?  You know how it's scary and exciting and awesome and totally terrifying?  That's kind of how I've been feeling all the time...never knowing what is on the other side of the hill.  And that's been hard.

But you know what's even harder sometimes?  Love.

For one crazy day, I was able to slow down and love on another human being.  For no reason whatsoever.  For no personal gain, and in fact, anticipating the pain it would bring.

It's scary, and it's difficult.  But nothing good comes easy.

And it felt so good you guys.

Love is so, so good.

For the Love of One: the tale of an epic fundraiser

You know how there are times when you're like "why am I doing this???"  

I'm embarrassed to admit, last week was one of those times.  I was at home on Friday.  I had spent EVERY SINGLE NIGHT that week organizing and tagging everything in my garage and my basement to get ready for our EPIC yard sale fundraiser that weekend. I was starting to wonder if the boys even remembered who I was (other than being the crazy lady that puts stickers on things in the garage).

Mike and I had been picking up a generous amount of donated 'stuff' for the yard sale for the past month.  Lots of really nice 'stuff' that I was committed to honoring and selling.  But lots of 'stuff' means lots of work.

We have some experience holding benefit yard sales.  This yard sale would be our biggest yet, but I couldn't help reminding myself that our last multi-family benefit yard sale was also our biggest yet- and it netted just under $800.  That's not small change for us. I would have been VERY pleased with that number, so I just kept plugging away, hoping that we could get to at least $1,000.  That was my secret goal!

But even though I had a tremendous amount of help from some truly incredible people, by Friday I was tired.  I was burned out.  And then I got the mail, and found out Quest Diagnostics billed us over $600 to process our urine drug screens.

Pee.  They tested my pee.
And now we owe them $614.  

Of course, this is not covered by insurance because it is not medically necessary to have drug tests done.  But I was not prepared for the cost.  This was all part of our medical clearance required by our adoption agency as part of our home study, and honestly I thought our doctor's office had absorbed whatever expenses were associated with it.  They never charged us for our office visits, the forms they completed, or the TB test we were required to take. They were amazing!  But they didn't do the drug screen- they sent it to Quest.

So what else could I do but sit in my car and cry?

The only thought that went through my head (over and over and over) was that I was doing ALL THIS WORK and it was going to pay for a pee test!!!

After my pity party was over, I realized I was loosing sight of the forest for the trees.  ALL I was seeing was the trees.  The hundreds of dollars were trees.  The hundreds of things in my garage were trees.  Even the yard sale itself was trees!  I needed to focus on the forest: our unknown child, and bringing him or her home to us!

Happy I got my priorities straight in time for the yard sale!

The end of this story is, of course, a happy one.  Our Yard Sale and t-shirt fundraiser was a HUGE success.  SO MANY PEOPLE showed up to support us.  Many gave some.  Some gave much.  But ALL gave readily of their time and effort and money.

My favorite quote of the weekend: "I don't want your crap, but here's a donation." (From a man who literally just opened his car window and handed us cash).

At the end of the day Saturday, after our 1pm end time came and went and there were still people coming...after our 4pm cutoff came and went and there were STILL people coming, we decided to have a second day.  And on Sunday after 4pm, when everything left went into the donation pile, we were sitting on top of t-shirt sales, yard sale profits and outright donations totaling over $4,000.

That's a lot of pee.

We're looking forward to getting our home study approval this week or next (God willing), and thanks to this fundraiser and our youcaring fund, we now have enough saved to pay our next agency fee!  I'm outright humbled with gratitude.

Adoption is not an "easy" road.  There are many difficult twists and turns, and the hard work of fundraising is only one of them!  We love that our community has gathered around us, and we very much appreciate your support.  We pledge that our adopted child will know that all this was done through the help of many, "for the LOVE of ONE."

Almost sold out of t-shirts!

 Please share our fundraiser (youcaring.com/owensadoption) on social media, and please continue to pray for our baby- whoever he or she may be!

So, are you getting a girl???

I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with this question.


Ok, you know I love you, right?  But let's be real.  You don't "get" a baby when you're adopting.  If it were just that easy, I could whip out my checkbook and go to the barn and get one (like Noah suggested in my last post).

So let's put terminology aside and look at what you're really asking: can you choose gender when you're adopting an infant domestically?  The simple answer is yes, and it is called

GENDER PREFERENCE.

Much like you can choose the age of the child you're adopting, and the country you're adopting from, you can also choose the race and gender of the baby you want to welcome into your lives.  It makes sense.  But does it make you uncomfortable?  Do you know why?  I've been grappling with this from the get-go.

If we're being honest, as soon as I knew adoption was an option for us, I assumed I'd be adopting a girl.  I mean, having lost three baby girls in three years, my heart was really set (and re-set) on having a girl.  Each pregnancy, my friends would load me up with pink and purple, all of us secretly hoping this time I'd get to use it.  I've dreamed of brushing hair before school, and picking out matching outfits.  Teaching her to apply makeup, and crying with her on her wedding day.  I don't think anyone would fault me for wanting a girl. I think a majority of my friends assume that if we can, we are stating a female gender preference.  But, here's the shocker:

We're not.

While I would love to have a baby girl to call our princess, and FINALLY use all that pink and purple stuff in the basement, after long hours researching online and chatting in forums and praying about this issue, I decided I just didn't feel comfortable enough to do it.  What I didn't realize were the moral and practical complexities within this issue.  

I don't want to buy a baby.

To start with, did you know that baby girls are a hot commodity in the adoption world?  Because of this, many agencies charge a premium to "find" girl babies of $5,000 or more.  Now I don't know about you, but that just sounds like buying a baby to me.  Hitler-esque.  In his article, "Why Do Adoptive Parents Prefer Girls" John Gravois points out this distinct statistical anomaly inherent in adoption.

"Numbers vary, but it's pretty safe to say that somewhere between 70 percent and 90 percent of parents looking to adopt register some preference for a girl with an agency. It doesn't matter if they're adopting from China, where girls far outnumber boys; from Russia, where the numbers are about even; or from Cambodia, where there is typically a glut of orphan boys and a paucity of girls. Everywhere, demand tends to favor the feminine."  

Gravois and others have theorized that the reasoning for this could be because in most couples seeking to adopt, the driving force is female.  Most women looking to adopt are experiencing infertility struggles, and many have never had children.  Therefore, they seek to replicate themselves in some bizarre psychologically complex way.  I can understand wanting to parent a child that is a "known" versus one that is "unknown", but speaking from experience, I just don't think we ever know our children all that well!  I certainly don't think my husband anticipates my sons' antics any more than I do, just because he's male.

(I may roll my eyes more though.)

Another theory behind Gravois' statistics is that women think boys are just harder to parent.  This makes sense if you are new to the parenting scene and many of your friends have young children.  Probably you've been to the playground with them watching little Johnny shove a stick up his nose, while Lucy sits politely on a bench playing "tea" with a make-believe bunny.  I get it, and that may have been me to some extent or another at one point.  So, one might assume that I would agree with this theory.

Sure, I've had some difficulty with my boys' unruly behavior at times.  For example, here's what happened when I tried to take our awesome "we're adopting" announcement photo:

Yes, that is a superman cape.

Not to be outdone, Noah decided to contribute this lovely photo:

The red dye on his tongue may have contributed to the difficulty I was having.

People, I've rescued toothbrushes from toilets, had the "nice hands/use your words" talk more times than I can even imagine, and refereed arm-farting contests.  (Ok, and currently there are "curing" squirrel tails on top of my fridge because Noah has decided he likes taxidermy.)

I know from boys.

But in reality, what I've learned is that boys and girls (if you want to gender-categorize behavior) tend to trade off "difficult" behaviors throughout adolescence.  So if I'd had a girl hoping for a simple childhood, I might be sorely disappointed when 13 came around!!

And I also would have missed out on this.

Simple math.

Then, there's the reality of what gender selection would mean.

At least 50% of the expectant mothers that come to our agency seeking to place their unborn babies do not know gender.  Either it's too early, or they've elected not to know during ultrasounds because it's too difficult.  Or, they simply haven't had adequate prenatal care.  Either way, half of the possible "matches" out there are listed as "gender unknown".

(Huge point of clarification:

 If we state "girl" we will not be shown to "gender unknown" situations 

because they want to know we're a match from the get-go 

and they don't want us changing our minds a month or two later!)

Out of the other half (the "known gender" situations), you can assume 50% of them are male.  Which leaves us with only a 25% possibility of having a girl baby.  Narrow that down further by expectant mother preferences (for couples without any children, for African American couples, or same-sex couples) and we could be waiting a long LONG time for a baby.

So, are you getting a girl?

The answer is: Maybe!

Under gender preference, we've selected "Girl" or "Unknown". I certainly would love a little princess to add to our brood. There's a good likelihood we'll know before the baby is born.  But if I'm standing in the hospital room and our expectant mom gives birth to a baby boy, then he will be our son.

And I'll know exactly what to do with him!

Our Announcement: A Thank You

I am sitting here completely humbled and amazed by your incredible support.  Really, I can't think about it too much or I'll start crying!

On the evening of September 15th (just 6 days ago!!) I posted our announcement on Facebook, and this blog went live.  I NEVER would have guessed that I'd be sitting here looking at over

1,130 PAGE VIEWS

 in just 6 days!  From the US, Mexico, Germany, Poland, France, Bermuda and the Dominican Republic...Blogger told me so!

You people in Bermuda 

I love you 

even while you read this from your iphone on the beach.

The thing is, when we first started this process, we made the tough decision to make it public.  I knew it would be hard, because let's face it, adoptions fail sometimes.  It's hard to be vulnerable about your personal life, and then get disappointed and have EVERYONE feel sorry for you and offer condolences.  

I've been there. 

When we got pregnant, we decided to announce our pregnancies once we were in the second trimester, knowing full well that we could lose the baby any day.  We did this intentionally, because we knew that if something happened, we would need the support of our family and friends.  And I never regretted that because when we lost them, you all showed up and poured your love onto us.

It's love that is welcomed, but still, sometimes, not easy to receive.

Making the decision to go public was also one that was made strategically.  Because we have kids, and they've been disappointed by our losses, we knew we needed to keep it a secret until they had to find out. Part of the home study process includes an interview with them.  (Which should be hilarious.)  

So a couple weeks ago, before we announced to the world that we were adopting, we sat down with the boys separately to gauge what they knew about adoption and how they felt about it.  Here are the highlights:

From Noah (9):

(This is what happens when Dad
takes the kids grocery shopping.)

Us: What is adoption, do you know?

Noah: Well, it's when you go into this like barn-like place where there's a whole bunch of cribs and stuff and lots of babies without parents and you just pick one.

Us: How would you feel if our new baby looked different than you and Sam?

Noah: It might make me feel weird, but then again Sam doesn't look like me either!

Us: We may not have any control over this, but would you want a brother or a sister?

Noah:  A sister.  Because girls sit and color and stuff and boys are annoying.  Is this baby going to grow up to be annoying like Sam?

Mike: Probably.

Me: Definitely.

From Sam (4):

Sam, the donut man.

(We found some great children's books on adoption at our library, and used them to broach the subject with Sam.)

Sam: What's adopted?

Me: Adoption is when a baby's mommy grows the baby in her tummy, but even though she wants to, she can't raise that baby.  (Trying to make this simple.)

Sam: Oh.

Me: And so we let that baby live with us and we get to love them and take care of them.

Sam: Forever?

Me: Yup.  And they'll be part of our family just like when you were born.  You know what that means?

Sam: What.

Me: It means you're going to be a big brother!

(Pause)

Sam: So I don't have to use a booster seat anymore?!

Clearly, we have some work to do with both of them!

Adoption is such a learning process, for all of us.  When I say I am completely humbled, I mean it.  I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined the sheer numbers of readers that would be interested in our journey.  And the number of people that have reached out to us in the past week to offer support (either verbal, emotional, instructional, financial or otherwise) I can't even count.  

I believe when we are open to new experiences, even to the point of being vulnerable, God shows up in amazingly powerful ways.  You all are a testament to that.

With humble gratitude,

Davina

A Welcome

Here I go... blogging for the first time... was there ever any doubt it would come to this?!

Well, WELCOME!  

I'm so glad you're here! 

I started this blog as a way to share what our family is going through in our adoption journey.  Since so many of you know our story, I'm just going to jump right into the nitty gritty.  I'll share the "WHY we're adopting" post later. (OK, here.)

Now that we are "going public," we can finally share what we are going through as it has been such a whirlwind of emotion in the past month or so. Many have asked "Where are you in the process?" "What is next for you?" and "What can I do to help?" At the risk of going overboard with the information, here is the best way I can answer these questions!! Please, PLEASE do not hesitate to keep asking, and staying in the loop. We couldn't possibly do this without you!  

Where we are/What's next:

We are in the "home study" phase. This includes gathering A LOT of information (from drug tests to birth certificates), meeting with a social worker several times, and having our house inspected. Given how fast it is all going, we expect this process to be concluded by the end of October. Then, we are "home-study approved" in the state of Massachusetts, and can apply for adoption situations anywhere in the country!  Then we wait...

...hopefully not too long.

Once we are chosen by a woman expecting a baby (called the "birth mother"), we are considered "matched." This can take a few months or even over a year. Once the baby is born, and the birth mother relinquishes consent, depending on where the baby is born (what state) we can bring him/her home and that is considered "placement." We will then have several more home visits with our social worker before the adoption is "finalized" legally.

What you can do to help:

Well this is awkward. There is really no delicate way to say this... 

We need money. 

Adoption of a baby in the US can cost from $25,000-$50,000 all told. (I'll post about this later, too.  The logistics of where this money goes can be mesmerizing!  We are NOT buying a baby!) 

The plan is to use our savings account, which we had started awhile ago to pay for daycare and maternity leave costs. We can start applying for grants after our home study is approved.  They are usually need-based and we may not qualify for a lot of them, but we will try!  

And then, we will fund-raise. 

Aside from making secure donations through www.youcaring.com/owensadoption you can:

Pray for us, if you are so inclined!  This is a long and sometimes disheartening journey.  

Help us with fundraisers! We are going to start fundraising right away by having a Yard Sale on October 15th!! Please consider donating items or your time to this event.  

Here is an invitation to the yard sale on facebook. You can help by sharing it!  

Share this blog!  You never know who will benefit from reading about our journey!

If you can't help us out with the yard sale- no worries!  We will have other fundraisers (t-shirts, silent auction, photo sessions, to name a few...)  

Keep in mind that we are creative!  We can use your old stuff, your time, your skills, your miles, your sweat, your contacts, and your ideas! Definitely more on this later, but feel free to message me privately with any ideas!

THE #1 THING YOU CAN DO FOR US is to get informed about the adoption crisis, and pray for all the babies around the world that need loving families and safe homes.  Did you know, if you put all the orphans in the world into one new country, it would be the 10th largest country in the world?  Well, that just about breaks my heart.  Our prayer in all of this is that God uses our story to inspire just one more family to consider adoption.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11  

Welcome to our Journey of Hope.

With love, and gratitude for all you've done already,

Davina (and Mike) 

Finances, Fundraising, and other "F" words...

There's not much I don't feel comfortable sharing about my life.  This is true whether I'm talking about adoption, fertility or even which breast pump I used nursing my boys.  See?  I'm just kind of a shameless open book.

So when I blog about money, please know that I'm not embarrassed by it, and I don't want you to be either!!  There are a LOT of questions surrounding adoption that have to do with money.

FINANCES

I'd venture to guess that the #1 reason most people who have considered adoption decide against it is...

$$$ Adoption is Expensive $$$

So why is it so expensive?  Where is all that money going, really?!  Isn't buying a baby illegal?

Here's a concise list of what you're paying for in a Domestic Infant Adoption (which is the type of adoption we've chosen for ourselves- if you want to read more about that come here.):

1)  Home Study  

We're in this process now, and let me tell you, our social worker does not get paid enough to deal with all the millions of questions I have asked her!!!  Within the home study timeframe, a potential adoptive family must also provide and pay for:
-Background checks/fingerprinting (Because they want to make sure we're legal a safe family for this precious new baby to come live with.)
-Mandatory reading (Yes, you can find books at the library, but you can't mark them up and use them for reference in the future if they're library books!  They frown on that.)
-Birth certificates for everyone in the home/marriage license (Unless you're smart enough to keep extra certified copies of this stuff.)
-Pet innoculations (Poor Button has to get a rabies shot to be up to date.  Sam has insisted on volunteered to hold him during this exciting adventure, which we politely declined.)

Sam and Button

-Profile books (Just like my annual photo books for the family, which you all know I just LOVE making, only bigger and hardcovered and much, much more important!  Times 6.  This is the book that our birthmother will look at when she decides she wants to meet us.  No pressure.)
-Medical testing (Yup, that's right, my urine drug test came out clean- you can all breathe a collective sigh of relief!)

2) Matching  

The next phase of this process is the "matching" process.  For us the match fee is due once we're home study approved.  Like, next month.  (See: Fundraising, below!)

This is the part that can take a LOOOOONG time.  During this time, the money we've paid the agency is used for the prospective birth mother.  The adoption agency coordinates counseling for potential birth moms, and provides funds to her for living expenses or medical expenses, depending on her circumstance.  The reasoning being that, if all that is standing between a woman keeping her child and placing her child is temporary homelessness, and our agency funds can rectify that, she should be keeping her child!!!  Through counseling, social workers determine if placing her child for adoption is something that the birth parents are certain that they want to do.

Once a potential birth mother is identified, they are "in the system" so to speak.  Their social worker will bring them adoptive parent profiles to look at.  If they find one they like, birth mom and prenatal history forms are collected and given to the prospective adoptive parents to review.  If everyone wants to go further, a meeting is set up at the agency.  If all goes well at the meeting, an agreement of sorts is formed, and a "match" is made!

Then I guess everyone just sits around waiting for a baby to be born while they're fundraising.  Can you tell this is the part where I'm not sure on the details? I will learn more as I go!!!

3) Placement  

Once baby is born, the birth mother can relinquish her parental rights.  By law, a birth mother cannot relinquish until after the baby is born, and then she has a certain number of days to revoke that (depending on the state) so no Adoption Agreement can be entered into until after that time expires. Again, the agency is there with the social workers to draft the paperwork and get it all approved in Court if necessary.

It's at that point (after birth; before relinquishment) that some women change their minds.  (Some birth fathers change their minds too.)  That's ok.  It's tough, but having had children of my own, I get it.  That's why it's SO IMPORTANT to have great social workers that have counseled the heck out of the birth momma ahead of time so she knows what to expect, and is ready to make this tough decision.

The sucky part??  If the adoption fails at this point, you lose the match fee. And the baby.

(big sad face)

If everything goes as planned, we get to bring the baby home.  At this time, we pay a "placement fee," which is the largest chunk so far.  Technically (again, still not 100% sure on the legalities here) I believe the agency has legal custody at this point.

4) Finalization/Post-Placement

Because we don't have custody, the agency has to do what is called a "post-placement" study.  The social worker comes out and watches us parent the baby and makes sure everything is copacetic in the home.  Then they can tell the state that we're doing well and legal custody should be transferred to us.

There is always the possibility that the birth mom (or dad) could appeal their relinquishment.  From what I can tell, this hardly ever happens.

In the meantime, the lawyers ($$$) are dealing with papers and stuff (potentially from different states) and making sure all our ducks are in a row for our finalization hearing.  This happens about 6 months after placement.  It's a big deal.  There WILL be a party!

Now that you know where the money goes, I hope you understand that buying a baby is DEFINITELY illegal, and that's not what adoption is about!  

FUNDRAISING

All of the above can add up to almost $50,000 but we anticipate our adoption costing approximately $35,000.  Not everyone has $35,000 just lying around.  Even if you had it saved up, it would probably be earmarked for another purpose!  We've been blessed with "just enough" for so long, we have become masters of living within our means.  We are comfortable, but we budget our income.  We re-use and share with friends.  We don't spend extravagantly.  We don't even have cable!  

GASP!

But our path led us here, and so now we are looking for ways to save even more (even less eating out), earn more (taking second jobs), and raise funds in ways that are within our various areas of expertise.  Some ideas we are solidifying are...

• Yard Sale on October 15th (Go to our Yard Sale Facebook Event for more info), 
• T-shirts (they're going to be awesome and created by One-Off Apparel and The Definition of Nyce!), 
• Family photo-thon, 
• Superbowl "party,"
• Silent Auction.

For those who wish to give monetarily, feel free to contribute securely at www.youcaring.com/owensadoption.

We know that no single method of fundraising is going to get us to where we need to be, so we're prepared to be a little obnoxious proactive about it!  And we're reminded that every little bit helps.

FINALLY!

  The boys and I have been taking cans and bottles to the redemption center and emptying the results into our adoption jar in the kitchen.  It's cool to watch it grow, and remind them that every penny is getting us closer to a baby.

Our adoption jar.

One of the coolest ways that God has worked in our family to help us fund-raise so far was the other day, when Noah voluntarily decided to empty his "Nerf" savings into the adoption jar.  When I told him he didn't need to give his $21.36 he insisted, stating

"I want a baby soon, mom."  

It broke my heart that our little boy wants this as much as we do.  It was truly an example of the heart of giving, and it was inspirational to me as we start out on this journey.

Why we're adopting- The truth, the ugly truth, and nothing but the truth.

So this is going to be a tough one.

Those of you that know our whole story may not want to read this whole thing.  But for those that are curious, well, I want to be as open as possible about our journey.

What got us here was not circumstance.  But, I'm not here to say that it was all "part of God's plan" for us either.

What??? Isn't this all part of God's plan???  

No. I don't believe that to be true, and I'll explain why...

When Mike and I were in the early stages of our married life, talking about how many kids we'd like to have and when and how, we both agreed that we would like to adopt a child "eventually." Mike was adopted as an infant, and had a wonderful childhood. So, we decided that we would "give back" if we ever had the opportunity.  I grew up with a younger brother so I thought two children would be perfect.  Mike, having grown up an only child and missing having siblings, thought three children would be perfect!

Insert laughter cue....

Four years after we got married, we chose to start our family. God blessed us with a quick conception, a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby boy named Noah.  He was a difficult baby; always needing to eat and never napping.  As newbie parents, we learned by trial and error (ok, mostly error)!  He became an introspective toddler with a strong-willed personality, and we learned the art of consistent discipline.  Finally, when Noah turned four and we felt we had a handle on things, it was time to give Noah a sibling. 

(Breaking here to acknowledge a certain hemming and hawing that happened on Mike's end...he's since apologized profusely for this.  Moving on!)

We decided to move out of our condo in the city and expand our family in the suburbs. God provided again, with an easy conception and healthy pregnancy. Our new home and our new healthy baby, Sam, had us overjoyed with God's provision in our lives.  Just before I conceived Sam, I had decided to be baptized. Throughout my pregnancy, witnessing God's blessings, I felt God's tug to follow his word more carefully, and part of that meant being a more attentive parent, and spending more time with the boys.  

Through God's providence, I was a stay-at-home mom when Noah started Kindergarten, and Sam was an infant.  Unlike Noah, Sam was incredibly easy-going early on and was such a joy to be around.  (Note: both boys have completely grown into themselves and Sam is no longer the easy-going one!  They are both strong-willed, amazingly perceptive, and highly energetic and fun!)  

(Not all pictures of the boys are perfect.  This one is.)

Once Sam got a little older and we needed the income, I changed careers within the law, but started back working part time.  I was loving being home with the boys and really living out the calling of the Proverbs 31 woman.  Fully appreciating what a blessing our boys were to us, we were excited to try for a third child right away. 

Now comes the hard part.

Again, we conceived easily, and expected everything to go like clockwork this time also. Unfortunately, at a routine visit around 19 weeks, they were unable to find a heartbeat. Our baby girl (Hannah Marie) was delivered dead in April of 2013. Testing showed that she had Turner's syndrome, a random chromosomal abnormality.  I was devastated.  God had provided so many blessings in my life, and so easily, that I wasn’t prepared to go through something like this.  After the shock of our miscarriage, we decided to go to counseling and got help to grieve Hannah's death together.  We are still in counseling and it has really been helpful in identifying ways in which our communication is lacking, and tools to help us come together in our grief and grow as a couple.

Once we felt healed, we decided to try again. The conception was easy. The pregnancy was healthy. The baby was healthy. Unfortunately, again at a routine visit, at 19 weeks, our second little girl (Soraya Shirley) had no heartbeat. She was delivered in March of 2015. This time, after autopsy, it was found that part of her umbilical cord had a defect which caused her death in utero.  Again, we were told that this was a freak accident, and that there was no likelihood of it happening again.  We decided to try again right away, this time with a plethora of tests and doctors and prenatal care at our disposal. 

I was scared, but kept my faith. We prayed together for that baby like we never had before, and even our boys were so hopeful at the prospect of (finally) having a baby sister. 

I was filled with hope, because I knew that God would provide the desires of our heart. Instead of living in fear of what might happen, I chose to focus on the joy of every single day that I held her. Everything was fine, and she was remarkably healthy, until a routine visit at 16 weeks showed no heartbeat. Our third little girl (Abigail Joy) was delivered in February of 2016. Autopsy results showed the same birth defect in the umbilical cord. 

Obviously, at this point there was a lot of WHY???
After follow-up surgeries and tests, no doctor can tell us why this keeps happening.  
And this time, no one is willing to tell us we should try again.  

"Secondary infertility" is what this is called, except I'm not exactly infertile.  This happens to a lot of women so I know I'm not alone.  But really, why?  As a Christian, I have had to stop and think this one through quite a few times now.  And I want to slap sternly talk to the people that have told me "This is all part of God's plan."  No.  I don't believe it was God's plan to create a life and then take it away three times.  

What I do believe is that we live in a fallen world, where sin takes the form of evils such as disease, cancer, physical and mental disability, and birth defects.  Some are more fatal than others, but I do NOT believe it is God's doing.  He meant for us to be perfect.  We messed it up.

I’m definitely frustrated by it all, especially with the lack of closure that would come from a definitive diagnosis. I spent some time allowing myself to be angry at God and really prayed hard about His purpose in my life.  I can’t say He has answered me but I know He is still there.  I know because I have friends that support me in amazing ways.  People that barely even know me but have reached out to me to share their love.  A community that has loved on us in innumerable ways over the past few years...from sending us flowers and cards to getting us museum memberships...from cooking us dinner to holding candlelight vigils in our backyard.  That is the kind of love that comes from God.  And so I know He still loves me, and He is always right there with me.

I can’t say that I am completely healed and don’t still get sad about it.  It still hurts sometimes.  But at some point I realized that it’s ok and normal to grieve what we lost, while still looking around and being thankful for what we have, and looking forward to what new and amazing things God has in store for us. 

So why adopt?
Honestly?
At the end of the day, we still feel like our family is incomplete.  

Our minivan is too big.  

Our table has an extra seat.  

The boys are getting bigger, and 

I still have a longing to care for a little one again.

  

There is more than enough love in our family to welcome a third child into our home.  And so we look forward to adopting.